Well, my sister kinda hit the nail on the head with that one! I am a bit of a wacko. But not in the way that she thinks. I am quite misunderstood. But make no mistake, I am one angry and dark chicky. And it all stems back to my adoption. I hate how everything comes down to that.

I say I’m misunderstood but that just sounds like a cop out. I think I’m just a lot more complex and deeper then people can see on the surface which makes it hard to really get inside my head and get me. Part of my complexity is my own misunderstanding of myself. There are so many parts that make up my entire being that it’s hard to see that sometimes my anger is really pain or my happiness is really loneliness. I’m really good at putting on a brave face and smiling through the pain. That is usually when after a while, I explode. Which is never good…don’t believe me, ask mi familia!

Sometimes it’s just damn hard to be me. Mostly because I don’t get why I do or think things. I ask a lot of questions that I will never get answers to. My inquisitive mind is what gets me into trouble. I could be perfectly fine and then my mind is going with all these random questions and contemplations that I just cant think straight and then I get frustrated because I can’t collect my thoughts and I can’t answer the questions because I can’t calm my thoughts. It’s a never ending cycle of “holy hell I want to pull my brain apart!! Somebody give me a lobotomy!” That is all really hard to see when all people see is the end of my short fuse and me freaking out. I’ve been trying so hard to keep myself together and pick up the pieces that I’ve broken over the years and years of abuse I endured from self-hate but I can’t seem to keep my shit together when all the people around me, don’t want to be around me. It makes me hate people more and it makes me more angry and therefore inevitably furiously texting or calling someone screaming. Not exactly the response most people would give. My phone is my demise when I am in “wacko” mode. I will feverishly text you with caps and some choice words along with it if you don’t answer my text in time or you don’t call me back or the sun is shining. Sometimes yes, the sunshine can piss me off. Don’t ask me why because that will probably piss me off too! haha just kidding….well, half kidding 🙂

I think last night, with the fight I started with my family….and when I say my family, I mean my entire family got involved – mom, dad, sister, and brother and while my brother in law didn’t really have a first row seat, I’m sure he had his opinions from the second row, if I were him I’d hate me too, just sayin… was kind of a good thing for me at least. I woke up this morning and literally said “I have a great family. People who actually love me” out loud. Naturally there was no one else here to hear it so I was talking to myself haha (and no that is not why I think I’m a wacko haha!) That is something I can honestly say I have never said and actually felt something when I said it. It was nice…and then I cried lol I clearly am not big on family love. I guess real love scares me that’s why I hold onto the fake love from old crappy friends and significant others. I guess it also scares me to let in my mom because I have so much animosity toward the woman who gave me up and I project all my anger out on to my real mother. This week has been quite good for clarity but not so good on keeping my emotions at bay. who the hell knows though because this is all speculation since my mind is clear….today! haha

I can honestly say that the craziness I caused last night was completely out of anxiety and loneliness and fear of even more abandonment. I needed a physical presence with me. It is starting to come to the time where I’m realizing that I need a family, my family. As much as I can’t stand how my sister tries to micro manage my life, I miss her. I’m jealous of the relationship she has with my brother’s girlfriend and his ex. I always have been. In fact, I’m jealous of the relationship that my brother’s girlfriend has with my entire family. I always felt replaced when my family would embrace someone new into our lives. But it wasn’t fair of me to feel that way when I basically did the same thing to them when I would meet a new friend. None of this shit makes sense to me. It frustrates me to no end as a matter of fact. I cant for the life of me understand that I know I need my family and I know they love me and I know they want nothing but the best for me but the second I meet someone new I have always automatically replaced them with my family. Using this new friend as a false sense of family. I have never put them first. but I always expect them to put me first. especially when i’m in crisis, I expect them to drop everything and coddle me. I mean I’m not saying I have always been a douche to my peeps. I can be a really good person. I can be really kind and crazy fun. I think my biggest issue is my anxiety and how I let it take over every fiber in my body.

It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with all of this and try to sort it all out. Sometimes, I wish my parents would put me back in a behavioral program with more intense therapy but that isn’t living my life and learning from my triggers. When I was in a program like that, I had nothing to worry about so of course my attitude and stuff was mostly in check and I had a good routine. But that is living in a perfect little bubble that is not reality and when you get out of there, reality smacks you so hard in the face because you have no idea what the hell you’re doing and you freak out again….or that’s just me!

I’m pretty sure this post is much longer than I intended it on being so I’m going to leave you with this….

‘Kris Kross will make ya, jump. jump.’ We out!

*Everyone’s thinking it. I’m just sayin’ it. You’re Welcome* 🙂